Another year has come and gone and it’s my birthday again. And this year has surprisingly been…good? At least the second half of it. The first half was an extension of last year so we don’t know her. And to be frank, last year’s birthday post was so depressing that I do not want to focus on the negatives of this year too. I, instead, want to celebrate myself and the long long way I came compared to where I was last year.
I’m happy and I’m content, and really peaceful and hopeful about the future, which is a lot more than the me who was turning 22 who was stuck in the hardest year of her life, living her worst bouts of anxiety and depression and just…not seeing the good in anything, could have hoped for. And I am really proud of how far I’ve come. January to June were much of the same as last year, in fact, I had a really bad mental health relapse in June which also served as an…awakening? It scared me and shook me so hard that I had to make some big changes in my life to regain control of it. It wasn’t easy, but I eventually got there, and it paid off.
I started by doing something I was really scared of for a while and that was overdue. I’ve ended several relationships and cut many people out of my life. I was scared of being lonely. I was scared of not having anyone, of no one loving me for who I am. But the fact is, I already didn’t have anyone. The relationships I had and tried to maintain weren’t good for me. Not all of them because of anything the people did. Some were genuinely toxic while with others, we just weren’t a good match. I always felt myself hiding parts of myself, holding some things back and I’ve done it for so long that I started losing myself in them. But I thought that having them was better than having no one. And for a while what I feared came true, I didn’t have anyone, didn’t go anywhere, didn’t have anyone (IRL) to talk to and that took a toll on me because I like doing all those things. And that’s when June happened and I knew I needed to make a change.
Some other things happened in that time period that are too personal and quite honestly too long to talk about on here, but it was just…rough.
Then I found my people. They were truly a godsend when I needed them most, and I don’t think they know it ’til this day, but the friends I made in the past few months helped me find myself again. I reconnected with some old friends I had drifted off from, made new ones, and they brought so much joy into my life, filled my days with so much laughter and fun, coffee dates, dancing nights, chill beach days, endless chatty nights, sunsets and just…love, that I found myself enjoying life again. I wanted to go out, wanted to see people, make new connections, have fun, which I really hadn’t felt in two years and it felt like a gasp of fresh air after being ten feet underground.
Keeping touch with my online friends who’ve been there for me every day and night without fail, who’ve comforted me, rooted for me and felt happy for me and supported my recovery. Having their unwavering support by my side every step of the way helped immensely too. Whoever said internet friends aren’t real friends has clearly never had them because mine are the best friends anyone could have asked for. And the only friends who have never left my side through thick and thin so I truly won at life having them in mine.
It wasn’t just my friends. It was also me. Yes, I’m tooting my own horn because it took me a while to get here and I bloody deserve it. It’s being kind to myself, trying to let go off of things I couldn’t control (which might have been the hardest), of things that weren’t meant to be. It’s allowing myself to feel what I’m feeling, because I realized that the only way out of it was through it. It’s knowing that I’m healing, and healing takes times, healing is two steps forward and one backward and not being hard on myself when that step backwards happens. It’s allowing myself to feel happiness in small doses so it could eventually become my normal again. It’s in the little things at first. Little things that looked easy enough to do but felt like big wins.
And the change wasn’t noticeable. It only hit me a couple weeks ago that life is just…good. It’s not perfect mind you, this year has been shit in more ways than one, it has thrown things at me I wasn’t expecting. It was stressful and scary. But I am okay. None of it broke me, I took it all in and let myself feel what I needed to feel. I had faith that things would turn out okay. That I would be okay. And hey, I am. I am more thank okay. I am good. I found my passion in medicine again, I fell in love with it all over again, and deeper than before. I found hope in my future again, I changed my plans drastically and am now working towards making the new ones a reality, harder than ever. Which is both nerve wracking and exciting. And I found myself again.
This past year has made me embrace myself, it made me more myself, and more comfortable in myself than I’ve ever been. I found my confidence in myself again, my faith in myself and all I’m capable of is renewed. I am so utterly uninterested in being someone else for the sake of other people’s fragilities, that ironically, the moment I let go of that fear of taking up too much space, of showing myself for who I am and being judged for it, that’s when I started being truly embraced by the people around me and meeting new people I actually feel comfortable around and not like I’m drowning in cement every time I think of hanging out with them.
I fell back in love with myself, with my joy, my humor, my softness, and everything that makes me me. And that’s the best gift I could have ever given myself.
So, happy birthday to me, I guess? 🥰
Here’s to another year of growth.
That’s it until next time.
Hope you enjoyed, write to you soon.